Getting the Most Out Of Your Ouija Board

It seems to me that there is a distinct lack of originality with use of the ouija board. People have been asking the spirits the same daft questions for centuries upon centuries and for what? The odd haunting here and the odd song lyric there.

In this guide I will show you how you can make your Ouija Board work for you with some practical and exciting tips!

• Ask the spirit for some envigorating new recipes. Tired of eating the same old microwavable crap day-in, day-out? Use the Ouija to kickstart your way to gourmet bliss!
• If you have absolutely nothing else to do, consider asking the spirit what it’s favourite liquor is. If it gives a legible response, go out and buy that very drink and pour the contents of it onto the board. It will thank you in the long run.
• Instead of asking your partner if your ass looks too big in that pair of jeans, ask the board for a more truthful response.
• Bored out of your mind? Start an Instant Messaging conversation with someone using their responses as questions to the board. It’s probably best you ask for their prior consent before hand.
• Are you a musician? Have you ran bang out of ideas for tunes? Do your songs sound like the sonic personification of a rotting goat’s corpse? Use the ouija board to select a music tutor at random from the Yellow Pages. Your neighbours will thank you for it in the long run!
• Tired of people beating you up in the street? You might want to consider carrying your board around with you and using it as a highly ineffective weapon. People WILL run though when they see what they are being hit with.
• Willing to help the earth? Consider yourself at one with the environment? In the event that either your house or your head become possessed, think about recycling the board instead of burning, burying or flushing it down the toilet.
• Contrary to popular opinion, ouija boards make great dinner trays.
• Visiting a developing country with a hot climate? Worried about the availability of air conditioning? There is an easy answer! Spirit boards make great manually operatable fans! Just be careful not to wave it about in public. You might just get burnt at the stake.
• Consider cutting the board up into 10 different segments, writing a word out of “He got me in the end. I should have listened.” upon each piece - in your own blood. Put it into an envelope and ram it into the comments box at your local church.

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 5th, 2006 at 1:38 am and is filed under The Hate Files.